Since the dawn of time mankind has maintained an instinctive desire to sit down on good quality, comfortable furniture. In terms of the history of evolution, the ability to sit down on a decent chair to chill out comes only marginally behind the discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel. Us hairless monkeys have come a long way from the rocky chaise lounges and tree stump bar stools of our forefathers and have travelled far down the road of comfort and convenience. In this busy, modern age, a self-assembly sofa can often be the difference between life and death.
“But what will become of the poor folk who’ve just purchased a ready built sofa?” I hear you cry. “Is it the end for them?"
Well, up until this guide was written I would have said yes. Definitely. But fortunately for these normal, everyday people whose only crime is an error of judgement, the good people at Snug are here to help. This handy little guide is written not only to help people who find themselves in the position of having to wrestle a new sofa into their home but also as a warning to those who are thinking about trying. Good luck to you and just remember this whole situation could’ve been avoided...
Step 1: Prepare Yourself
So here’s the deal; your brand new sofa has just been delivered and it’s sitting outside of your home just waiting for you to get it inside. Only it’s not just sitting, it’s taunting you. At this point, the temptation is to just kick back on the front doorstep, or in the street and tell your mates that an outdoor sofa is a must-have accessory for modern life. But that is, at best, a short term solution. You’ll know and your friends will know that the only reason your sofa is out the front is because it has beaten you. Comrades, at this point you need to say to yourself that you refuse to be beaten by a chair. You’re going to need to prepare yourself. Gather the following about yourself and steel yourself for war.
Cold beers – Anything you like will do.
Energy Gel – The kind used by long-distance cyclists and endurance gamers.
Hammer – Because you will get frustrated and angry.
A Towel – Because there will be blood.
A strong and reliable friend – Because you just can’t make it on your own.
A Tape Measure – So if it really doesn’t fit you can tell everybody exactly how close it was.
Step 2: Prepare Your Sofa
Take off all the cushions and covers and protective polythene and get them inside and out of the way. Basically you want your sofa to be as stripped back and naked as possible. This includes removing the legs. Allow a mild sense of achievement to wash over you. You’ve done something, you’ve taken the first step. Have a beer.
Step 3: Grab an End Each
Now, it is a little known aspect of furniture moving etiquette that the person who’s house it is grabs the front of the item and moves backwards. This indicates a willingness to crush ones own fingers first and is supposed to instil a sense of dedication and self-sacrifice in the moving partner. However, like I say, it’s little known, so feel free to lead from the rear. Each of you must lift each end of the sofa at the bottom and stand up in sync. It is now essential to puff out your cheeks and say something along the lines of; “It’s heavier than it looks.” or, “It’s not heavy, it’s just awkward.” or, “You got it?”
Now you simply walk it towards the front door.
Step 4: The Front Door
This is it. Your first challenge. How am I going to get my sofa to sit through a narrow front door or do I have to move it through a window? Front doors are notoriously door shaped and sofas are not. You’ll want to make sure that your fingers are all tucked completely under the base of the sofa. You can now proceed to try to walk the sofa in. Bear in mind that carrying it in square, that is, how you picked it up, will not work. But it is vital that you do it anyway. You can now put the sofa down, balancing it on your toes is customary but not essential. Look each other in the eyes and shrug. Perhaps have another beer. Measure the width and height of the door. Measure the sofa. Measure everything. When you pick it up again, you’re going to need to do some weird twists and stretch into unnatural positions. Generally speaking, the more awkward, uncomfortable and unnatural your body position the more likely you are to get it through.
Step 5: In the Hallway
Wipe the blood off your hands. Have a beer.
Step 6: Stairs
If your sofa is going to be situated upstairs you will now be faced with your biggest challenge yet. Depending on how steep and long your stairs are, whether it dog legs or not, will affect how well this next stage goes. You will tend to find that regardless of how straight forward your staircase seems, this will not be a lot of fun. This very problem was immortalised by Ross in the famous Friends episode. Pivot…
Step 7 a):
Persevere. An average human being is between six to ten times more intelligent than a sofa. You’ve got this. I believe in you. Draft in another friend if you have to. Take a hacksaw to the damn thing. Swearing is highly encouraged at this point as is an unfailing degree of self-belief. Stay strong. Stay positive. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it!
Step 7 b):
You can’t do it. What you need to do is pick up your phone and call whoever sold you such a ridiculously heavy/awkward/impossible to manoeuvre piece of furniture. Call them up and give them hell. Demand a refund and get them to take it away.
Once this has been achieved sit down on the floor, or in the bathtub and order yourself the iconic, self assembly, Snug sofa. Not only is this Britain’s first sofa in a box but it is also one of the best sofas of any sort out there today. Astonishingly you can assemble it yourself, single-handedly in three minutes. Unlike some other well known flat-pack furniture companies, Snug doesn’t compromise quality for convenience, it’s the complete package. Go check them out, read up about the hype. Even better than that, have a chat with them on their Facebook page. These guys aren’t your usual furniture floggers, they do things differently and they can make all this grief and frustration go away.
Oh, did I mention that your Snug sofa will arrive within three days. Don’t panic little buddy, the sofa you crave is just a couple of clicks away...